As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
