Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
