I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Someone came in the potted fern
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
