All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
