Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
