I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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