You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
