I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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