It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
