what if every blade of grass was a penis?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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