Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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