Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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