worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize