I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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