I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
