Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize