she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize