A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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