any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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