she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
