Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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