the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
