you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
