I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
