You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
