I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
