she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
