I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
