I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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