I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
