You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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