so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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