I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think people are normalizing furries
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
