yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
