Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
