im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
