i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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