my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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