ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
