You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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