My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
