We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
