I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
