Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
