can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
