i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
