Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
