i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
