im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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