so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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