my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
