There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
