Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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