Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
