So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
