So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
