You're so nebulous sometimes
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
